it just doesnt make sense anymore...why am i still wallowing in myself and my inability to be happy? i cant stand this pain anymore. i cant make it go away i cant even try to make it go away as ive done so many times. ive ignored it, tried to face it, tried to fix it, asked for help to get it fixed im all out of ideas on change. i want to cut, copy and paste my life. im blankly staring at this screen, trying to hold everything back inside. with everything thats happened over the past year i should have control right? im trying to make no sound so no one hears this. i remember trying to get help, i remember trying to tell people and it just wasnt worth it. thats what everyone well everyone meaning my parents keeps telling me to do. theyre especially pushing the therapist route. ive been down that road and it just isnt worth it. having to relive everything that you tried so hard to forget just so they get an idea of what youve been going through is bullshit to me...just something i was never prepared to do and something i just couldnt do again when i got such meager results from day one of my first attempt. ive made my mistakes ... they were big ones and i know that. i just cant imagine why i did some of the things i did. it just seems like when my mistakes were acknoweladged they were passed over as ways of getting attention. i just dont deserve that and i just dont want it. and i know that someone will tell me i do deserve it...you just dont understand ... you dont see what i did from my perspective. and from what i see i didnt do any good to anyone. being back in a public school has opened my eyes to alot. i noticed alot of things that people did that i didnt notice before and i noticed alot about what i do in school and how much i try to please everybody's demands of me, if you wanna call it that i couldnt think of any better words. i dont know were to turn anymore. i want to be heard but when i was heard i just knew i just knew it was not only a futile effort but a meaningless ploy that they only saw as me faking it to get attention. which wasnt my intentions at all. all i wanted was for someone to listen so i didnt feel alone anymore. but i now realize after going through it all that i felt more alone after ripping open the wounds i had worked so hard to heal on my own. i just have that overwhelming feeling that i need to leave it all be. i once again have that undying gravitation towards my best friend ... the mother of pearl shell and sleek sterling silver blade... so beautiful on the inside but as i know very well apperances can be decieving. im loosing my thirst for life. i was so ready to jump back into the sharktank of school and work and of the "drama" if you will... and im now merely realizing that beneath the surface of my change was what hadn't been touched in years and has still yet to be allowed to breach the underground of my soul. im not lying when i say this...i had a dream the other night that i was at school and my principle came onto the intercome and announced that a student in the school had commited suicide...after a moment of silence she announced who it was and if anyone needed to talk to a counselor the teachers would be more than happy to allow those specific students in turn to get counseling...o and the student was me. as i watched peoples reactions my "spirit" bounced from room to room were my closer friends were. the first reaction of one friend was..."i never thought she would actually do it" holding her head shaking and crying you could see in her eyes how she was trying to make sense of it all. moving to another room...she was in complete shock...after all the last time she saw me i was dancing around the hallway exhillerated that my "sick" was gone. beginning to shake and turn pale silent tears rolled down her eyes and she began to insist it was a joke. jerking away from all people that knew she knew me she burst out of the room and found refuge in the bathroom a floor away. again i move to another room to find a boy asleep...suddenly jerking awake...he asks what was just announced. as he is informed he almost laughs at the news. disbelieving. a friend of the first girl immediatly runs from the classroom to find her and show her condolance. by this time i realize everyone else that knew me at least was beginning to realize the truth. i unable to take pain any longer look down and see myself drenched in blood. gashes two inches thick in my arms...i move to my house suddenly and hear my parents over the phone informing my sister of the news. with the screams growing louder and louder the dream ends. im not sure what it means or what i should even make of it. all i know is my first thought when waking up is...what WOULD i be leaving? if i cant voice what has happened and hide it from my closest friends and watch as i am eaten away by my own regrets why wouldnt it be worth it. my mind is changing channels every second as i write...thinking and wondering reliving the dream and noticing that i didnt shed a tear or a smile. it poses the question would i even be happier? i have no were to turn. no were to run to. no were to hide. im just sick of this life. and im putting the pieces together in my mind...thinking how long it would take some people to even realize im gone...people that i dont go to school with. would anyone turn around when i slip and fall during the race of life and take the time to turn around and see if im gone? change occurs everywere. i see it in alot of my friends. i see it in myself once again. its just the factor of accepting and understanding. no i dont understand or accept alot of history between me, myself and i. there are plenty of things i will never forgive myself for. especially things that have been directed towards friends. i want to start this over again. i want nothing to matter. a clean unscathed life. is it the answer to starting over? or will i still be haunted even in death? there is only one way to find out. an irreversable way. even as i think about it even as i dream of what happend postmortum...i feel sick of remembering, of thinking, and making the decision. i often wish it was done for me so i didnt have to constantly feel guilt. or make people feel guilty for me. im just tired of the lonliness in my heart. the hole. if it were filled would things be different? i guess i have to be fixed before that could be thought of. the cursor blinks almost with my heartbeat. occasionally sputtering and racing to keep up with my body and mind. im holding on by a thread. hopefully one day one day it will be clear...